Being triggered into anger is a major barrier to improving relationships and often prevents civil conversations with your loved ones. If the repair doesn’t o ccur, the hurt can go unnoticed, festering in the background and damaging future interactions. This unaddressed pain can resurface in new conflicts, exacerbating the situation.
When we feel hurt by someone important to us, our knee-jerk reaction is often to make them hurt as much as we do:
Common refrains include:
“You always say that.”
“You’re not listening to me.”
“I’m fed up.”
“I hate you.”
“Do I care. Do I look like I care.”
“I wish I never met you.”
The reality is that there’s a lot happening below the surface that can alleviate the situation. First, it’s helpful to recognize that your capacity to tolerate stress is probably low. You may already know that ‘flip out’ events usually occur when you’re already stressed.
The first step towards controlling your anger is improving your capacity to handle stress. The goal is to perceive what is currently stressful as less so.
It’s not as complicated as it sounds. It involves working to improve the vagal tone of your nervous system. A few simple exercises, done repeatedly in different emotional states, can significantly improve your situation.
The key aspect about being triggered into anger:
For many people, the core of what really ticks them off is often a personal injury that has been years in the making or one that originated in early upbringing. It’s usually the latter.
In that case, the work involved is in sourcing out the emotional trigger at the root and creating experiences for you to heal. That way, the trigger looses its power and you automatically no longer have an over-reaction.
You might find this article helpful in understanding triggers: Why you’re so easily triggered at times
